


They always said I was the bad child

by CrowsAce



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Dark Side, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Mess, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Depression Sanders - Freeform, Forced Relationship, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, OC's - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Roman is a villian, Roman is insecurity, but he can't help it, wrath sanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrowsAce/pseuds/CrowsAce
Summary: He was no hero, he was a villain.Always had been.His friends want to save him, but there are some who want to keep him broken.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Dark Creativity | Remus/Deceit/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Everyone, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Original Male Character(s), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 12
Kudos: 101





	1. A crack in the soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was gonna be a one-shot for Roman's birthday, but I wrote that other one instead and decided to make this a chaptered story.
> 
> Coz yay more Roman angst.
> 
> I apologise for any spelling and/or grammar mistakes.
> 
> Warnings: Dark thoughts, swearing

Roman hadn't left his room at all since all the shit had happened in Thomas's last video.

It was one thing for the other sides to hate him and not need him.

It didn't really bother him that most of the fan base despised him.

But for Thomas to no… to no longer need him, to no longer see him as a hero, to see him as a _villain_. 

Well that really _destroyed_ him, and if he were being honest, being hated by the other sides and the fans crushed him too.

  
  


For year, _years,_ he has never felt good enough. It was a slow build up to what it is now.

To the point he hid behind a fake smile and cruel words, he knew he was cruel, objectively looking back over his interactions with everyone, he _knew._ Hell was it any wonder they despised him?

He felt guilty for every harsh word he uttered to someone; his negativity left an acidic taste in his mouth but he didn't stop, never stopped. Because anger makes you do bad things, and Roman was far too passionate to rein himself in.

  
  


Especially when they said harsh words to him. All their cruel words and taunts swirled in his head and scarred his skin, leaving red patches and white scars of hate, every criticism and every remark etched into his skin as a constant reminder of what a fuck up he was. He hated it.

He hated _this!_

How was it fair? At the trial he practically sided with _Deceit_ , and at the time he could feel Virgil and Patton's disapproval. So he did what he thought was _right_.

But now that was the _wrong_ thing to do. 

  
  


And it was all his fault. _Hisfaulthisfaulthisfault._

  
  
  


Those words burned across his skin. 

  
  
  


**_"Oh, Roman, thank God you don’t have a moustache. Otherwise, between you and Remus, I wouldn’t know who the evil twin is!”_ **

  
  


Now that was unnecessarily cruel, he knew he shouldn't have laughed at the name Janus, honestly the reference wasn't lost on him but still…

Remus wasn't evil… he was just _different._

  
  


Roman knew he was evil.

  
  


How could he not be? 

He was fucking terrible, picking at everyone's weak spots just to make himself feel better.

  
  
  


Thomas didn't need him, he never did, did he? No. Thomas had long since outgrew him and Remus was more than capable to take the 'creative wheel' so to speak.

  
  


Well really Remus didn't have a choice.

  
  


The moment Dec- _Janus_ said what he said Roman felt the words dig into his skin, deeper than anything said before, he didn't know why those words were the catalyst. Perhaps it was because of _who_ said it.

But that was it. 

  
  
  


Those words seared into the base of his spine caused fissures to spread from them, moving along and connecting to every other scare or harsh insult etched onto him, breaking him open for all the darkness inside of him to slip out. 

  
  


He was disgusting, pathetic, _ugly, useless, no good, rotten, not enough - never enough._

  
  


There was banging at his door.

  
  


"Roman?!" 

Remus…

"Roman open the door!"

His brother sounded desperate… he wondered if the other hated him, Janus was his friend right? Maybe he wanted to beat the shit out of him for laughing at his friend. It was honestly the _least_ he deserved.

  
  


Roman personally thought he deserved worse, worse even than being split open for the world to see how hideous he was.

  
  


"Roman _please."_

His brother was begging now. There were more voices joining. They blurred together, anger, concern, _fear._ He couldn't hear what they were saying.

"Roman!" More than one voice.

  
  


They were in his room now, all of them (all that were known) and Thomas, staring at him. Janus and Logan had seemed annoyed and angry, at him? Probably. They didn't look so angry anymore… they looked shocked, scared?

In fact they all did. 

Patton whimpered, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth. Virgil looked more paler than usual, his eyes wide behind his bangs as he stared. Thomas wasn't faring any better as he took in the state of his fanciful side.

Why were they staring? Oh right, he was shirtless. Any other time he would of said a flirty remark, but he knew he looked fucking awful right now. He had taken off his shirt to watch the cracks appear, he had traced along them wondering what would happen if he shoved his fingers in them and began to pull himself apart-

A whine of despair. _Of course._

"Remus… 'm sorry." He mumbled, because of course his brother _knew_. They were so intertwined after all. Sometimes Remus's thoughts were surprisingly light that Roman could hear them so clearly, so naturally his darker thoughts could be heard by his brother.

How long had his brother known? Did he care about Roman's slow breakdown? Or was he just watching and waiting for the right opportunity to finally knock him down, to show him where he _truly_ belonged.

Remus's eyes were wide as he stared into Roman's dull one's watching as little fractures appeared along his hairline.

Surely Roman _knew_ that that just wasn't true!

But it kind of was though, wasn't it? Because Remus _did_ know, but not once did he reach out to his brother… he had been _bitter, angry._

  
  


Fuck and look where that got him now! His little brother - because how could this smaller broken person in front of him ever be older and stronger than him? - falling apart from the seams quite literally in front of him.

  
  


"Roman…" he began, voice gentle, but really he didn't know what to say, because what could he say… was it too late?

He looked desperately at the other's, surely they knew what to do? He looked at Janus, his friend… his friend who he really hated at the moment. 

Roman followed his gaze. 

"The snake in the grass." Everyone froze and Roman frowned, that wasn't at all what he wanted to say.

But Janus seemed to know this as he raised a hand, staring at Roman with something desperate in his eyes. "Try again."

"Janus… I'm sorry for laughing at your name." His eyes flicked to Virgil. "Sorry for doing it to you as well."

  
  


"It's alright princey." Virgil said, voice barely above a whisper.

He looked back to Janus, frown deepening. "But you had no right to say what you said."

Janus's eyes flashed, something angry and righteous, he was about to say something but Roman continued.

"Remus isn't evil."

Janus snapped his mouth shut, visibly deflating as guilt radiated of him. "I know."

The sound of something cracking had the other's stiffening up in fright. 

It sounded painful. But Roman was numb to the pain of his body breaking now.

He was falling apart in front of their eyes, his room was changing too, but not in a _bad_ way, just in a blank way. The room was becoming barren, because this wasn't anybody's room anymore.

"W-what's happening?!" Thomas asked desperately. 

Roman looked at him. "I'm not good enough for you Thomas, I'm sorry… I promise i did try… but it was never enough, I am never enough."

  
  


"No Roman that's not true!" Thomas cried desperately, this was bad, this was so bad. 

  
  


"Oh but it is, I'm not the hero I wanted to be for you."

  
  


"You are Roman, you are my hero!"

"No I'm not… I'm the villain Thomas. I'm the villain in _their_ stories." He gestured to the shocked sides. "Your _fans_ knew this already… I'm your villain Thomas, and I'm sorry I'm so sorry." He started crying.

  
  


"Roman no please - "

"Roman listen to me, to _us!"_

"You're not the villain princey please."

So many voices, so many lies.

He looked at Janus, shoulders slumped. The snake side was crying too it seemed.

He looked at Remus as he took a hesitant step forward. 

He kept his voice gentle and soft, hands held up in a placating gesture.

"Roman, baby bro, listen to me ok. I'm sorry I didn't reach out sooner, but I'm here now, and it's not too late. Look around you, we all care for you, we all love you. Ok yeah we have some things to work through but that's alright what family doesn't?" He tried to joke, tried to make the other just smile even a little. But he didn't, he just stared blankly… no not blankly; like he was holding something back.

  
  
  


On the tip of his tongue were cruel little words to tear everyone in this room down before they could do it to him. 

  
  


He refused to open his mouth, just incase.

  
  


"Look, we've all been talking and Thomas had this brilliant idea to give you a special treat because guess what day it is? It's your birthday! Now come on let's get out of this room and- "

  
  


"My… Birthday… oh that's funny." He began laughing, the sound was hollow and sent shivers down everyone else's spine. 

  
  


"My birthday, my deathday, my re-birthday. It's kind of nice how that synced up isn't it."

  
  


"Roman -"

**_"Shut up!"_ **The other's all jumped, scared and startled. Roman didn't blame them, even he had wrapped his hands around his throat in shock. 

He had to leave. 

  
  


There was only one place he could go now.

  
  


"Roman wait!" He didn't know which one said it or if perhaps they all said it. But he knew they were all trying to run at him, stop him from disappearing but it was too late. 

He was already gone.

  
  


The look of pure sadness on Thomas's face would haunt him forever. Another reminder of him being a fuck up.

  
  
  


He was in his new room now, it was almost like his old room, but the walls were just grey and the grand mirror was broken, bits of glass missing from it. The bed was fit for a king though so he gladly climbed in it, feeling exhausted from the despair but knowing it would be an age before he slept.

He would unwillingly keep himself awake.

  
  


Because insecurities always kept him awake.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain is annoying because it doesn't focus on one thing at a time, just a million ideas in my head.... 
> 
> I'm going to write a fluffy story at some point though. Pure fluff no angst (my brain: expect angst) 
> 
> NO ANGST!!


	2. Fall from grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Insecure thoughts, dark thoughts, chaotic thinking

If there was anything Roman considered about himself to be a blessing, it was the fact he never has nightmares, he either dreamed soft sweet dreams or he didn't dream at all. He hoped that wouldn't change, after all, the time he spent awake was nightmarish enough as it is and as he blinked awake and took in his surroundings and the memories of the previous day came back to him, he realised it was only going to get worse.

  
  


He got out of the bed and went into the adjoining bathroom. 

He didn't know if there really was a point in making himself presentable, but maybe a shower would help with his mood?

Or at the very least the sound of water loudly hitting the porcelain tub will help drown out his thoughts. Just for a little while.

  
  


He tried to ignore the mirror in the bathroom, not wanting to see how awful he looked. But as he showered he couldn't help but feel all the doubts and insecurities about his body surface and - goddamn! Wasn't this shower meant to help  _ block  _ these thoughts for just a second.

A bitter chuckle escaped him. 

  
  


What was he thinking? He  _ was _ insecurity now, he'll never be free of these thoughts and feelings. He truly hoped that somehow, miraculously, Remus now had the full potential of creativity on both scales… because if Remus was still only one half and he was the other still, then that would mean Thomas now had the double negative creativity which was obviously extremely bad and shit for his host, just another thing he fucked up because he was a pathetic wreck of a man.

  
  
  


This shower wasn't helping.

  
  
  


Being alone wasn't helping; but seeing anyone else will surely only make things worse.

  
  


Breakfast. That was safe. He hoped.

_ Too fat, too skinny, too bony, too many rolls.  _

Nothing was right. He didn't look right, why couldn't he just be  _ perfect. _

  
  


He didn't want to eat anything. Yet he wanted to eat  _ everything.  _

  
  


He wasn't depression, but he was sure they'd get along like a house on fire. He might be a fuck up but if there was something he could still do for Thomas it was stay away from the  _ negative _ sides, as no doubt all of them combined will worsen Thomas's mental health state…

  
  


_ Well shit.  _ That was an issue wasn't it, a question that had his nerves standing on end. Was he a dark side now, or a negative side? 

If he was a dark side, he'd only have to avoid his brother and the other one. 

He'd honestly be surprised if his brother remained downstairs though, seeing as Janus and Remus really had been accepted by the light sides, maybe a new room would appear up there for them, or maybe one of them would have his old room now that it was empty.

  
  


Thomas's sad face flashed before him, telling him that Roman was his hero. He didn't need to look at Janus to know that was a lie, the fact his room was changing and taking his stuff away was evident enough that Thomas's (whether conscious of it or not) was rejecting him. Hell this transformation was Thomas rejecting him, or perhaps this was what Roman always was? The Prince was just a lie? Maybe he was never truly creativity? Was there a split? He couldn't remember it, so how was he sure it happened? Perhaps Remus had always been creativity and Roman had come along and leeched from him and then left him to rot as he took the limelight.

No wonder Remus knocked him over the head.

Who wouldn't want to crush a parasite that particularly stole their life.

  
  
  


He needed to get dressed now. Standing in the middle of his room staring at the walls, covered only by a towel surely wasn't good for him.

  
  


His Prince costume wasn't the same as before.

The white had gone… not grey… but not pure white either, there was bits of glittery silver throughout the fabric that looked like… like the cracks on his body. 

The red sash had darkened to a rusted blood red, as opposed to the bold red it once was.

He couldn't help but feel the outfit didn't truly fit him anymore, but he didn't want to conjure anything at the moment. 

  
  


He looked towards his door.

  
  


Did he dare go? 

So many insecurities, dark thoughts and 'what if's' swirled in his head. He snorted. He should really leave the 'what if's' for Virgil. 

The thought of Virgil filled him with something akin to hope. If that dark and stormy knight was once a dark side and not a negative side then that gave him a high chance to just be a dark side. The line between dark and negative was blurred. Roman guessed it was due to the positive effects the dark sides could have. For example Virgil, being anxiety meant that he kept Thomas  _ safe, _ anxiety worked kind of like a warning bell against something bad, fight or flight, not to mention it made Thomas a more keen observer and had him double checking things for his safety. Of course too much anxiety was a bad thing, but in the right doses, perfectly normal.

  
  
  
  


So of course this meant Roman was definitely a negative now because what positive did he bring? If he was just insecurities personified, he was basically now a bad extension of Virgil and depression. Unless he still had any of his other functions. He may have been Thomas's positive creativity but he had also been his pride and ego, and they were often seen in a negative light despite their positives. 

He was obviously still those things, he knew this within himself, hell he still  _ was  _ part creativity which just made him feel guilty because, fuck, poor Thomas was going to suffer and it was all because of him, because he was a shit actor, and couldn't  _ act  _ ok, couldn't  _ act  _ accepting of Janus. Definitely no positives. But he couldn't help but hope anyway.

  
  


He opened the door to his bedroom and looked out into the hallway. 

He never thought he'd be so happy to see the door to Remus's room before. But there it was opposite his own. He was on the dark side of the mindscape; he never felt so relieved.

  
  


He made his way to the kitchen, hopefully there was some coffee down there. 

He took in the sight of the torn up lounge. He had a feeling Remus was behind this, the armchair was the only piece of furniture that remained untouched. It must have been Janus's.

  
  


The kitchen was surprisingly also left untouched. It was eery how similar the set up was to the upstairs. He wondered if that's where Remus was.

  
  


"Roman!"

_ Fucking hell!  _

Roman nearly jumped out of his skin as he spun around.  _ Speak of the devil. So much for avoiding him. _

  
  


Remus looked at him in shock that quickly morphed into relief then anger.

"Where the fuck did you go?!"

Roman raised an eyebrow, biting back the insults that wanted to spill.  _ Save it for  _ **_yourself_ ** _. _

"To my room." He mumbled.

Remus scoffed. "No, you  _ left  _ your room yesterday, you left us all in it feeling lost and confused!"

Now it was Roman's turn to scoff. "Please, we both know that's a lie, you saw the room changing, becoming barren, that's not my room anymore, I wanted to go to my room and I ended up down here, so I'm sure you can tell that I have been relocated. As for feeling lost and confused I said yesterday, I wasn't what Thomas needed anymore, I'm not the hero… so here I am."

  
  


The two creativities stared at each other for a moment, then in small voice Roman had to ask, "Do you… are you able -"

"No." Remus said firmly, knowing what the other was getting at. 

"No the other's asked me to test it, to see, but I already knew you were still half, I would of felt it I'm sure, you're still the positive one… Roman listen I know that - "

  
  


"Stop please just stop, I know what you're going to say, but no… I just… I can't."

Roman felt so tired, too tired for the conversation Remus wanted to have.

But Remus wouldn't stop, because Roman needed to hear it.

"Roman please, the other's want to speak to you, they're all concerned for you - "

"They shouldn't be."

"- and need to see you, hell Roman you need to talk to everyone and Thomas and sort all this out I know this seems like a big deal but it's not!"

Roman tasted cooper as his mouth filled with blood as he bit his tongue hard. He wouldn't do it, he wouldn't insult his other half just because the idiot didn't know how to word things better… or maybe Remus was right and he was just being a dramatic piece of shit, blowing something widely out of proportion and making a big deal out of nothing, it wouldn't be the first time after all. The others must be so annoyed with him for causing a scene and costing them time.

  
  


"No! Stop, stop! You're not a burden, or worthless! So please stop thinking you are!"

Roman chuckled humourlessly, his head was starting to pound. "Sorry bro, but I'm insecurity now, all I am is dark thoughts… surely you of all people understand?"

  
  


Remus frowned. "Yes and no, the intrusive thoughts are somewhat different from your dark thoughts… though yes I suppose similarities are there… I mean if it's a case of needing to talk to someone about them then of course I'm always here for you Ro, hell so are the others, especially Virgil, he'll understand the dark thoughts too."

"Oh but it's so much more than that. You know how you end up feeling really sick when you repress your thoughts."

Remus nodded. "If I don't think insecure thoughts about myself or point out others insecurities and watch them  _ break _ , then I too become ill."

Remus stared wide eyed, head tilted to the side in confused curiosity. "How can you be certain?" 

  
  


"Because you won't let me think bad things of myself, and I refuse to say anymore bad things about other's. So now I have a migraine that is steadily getting worse, and it's only been like what two minutes since you told me to stop?"

  
  


"You can talk shit about me if it makes you feel better, honestly I'd probably take it a compliment."

"But it wont make me feel better, it'll make me feel worse! Don't you see that's how this all started spiraling. My fall from grace was a long time coming… and I don't have the energy to climb back up." 

  
  


Remus thought for a moment before slowly nodding his head. "That's fine, you're allowed to feel that way. You don't have to rush anything if you really want to take a few days to yourself… but we are here for you Roman,  _ I'm here!  _ Please talk to me if you need me, I-I don't want you to be alone right now. I know you're so down right now, and you're in pain right now, but maybe if the others came down here for the evening just to spend some time together then maybe you'll find pe - "

"Well well well. The rumours are true, oh how the mighty have fallen." 

Both creativities stiffened, one in fear the other in anger. Roman looked past Remus at the new group that had come in, Remus turned to glare at the group.

  
  


"None of you should be here!"

The clear leader of the group just laughed, a nasty grin taking over his face. 

His cruel eyes locked onto Roman's.

His voice was mocking as he purred out, "Oh but I wouldn't want to miss this for the world." 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2:22am and I'm hoping this chapter turned out ok~


End file.
